Hmmm...

The Registry and Generosity

Marriage unleashes generosity. People want to help, to give, to play a part. It thrills, delights, and embarrasses. As it should. We did nothing to deserve it. But we're getting used to the feeling of not being worthy and learning to say "thank you" without comment.

"Want" not "need" is the word that describes the desires of our household. If you've visited us at home, you know that after living together for five years, we need nothing to entertain guests, throw a party, or make complex entrees and desserts. In fact, we're running out of room to store the good stuff we have. We also know that we won't be able to hold back the tide of generosity. Here follow, some ideas to help you channel your good thoughts and wishes.

We have planned a once-in-a-lifetime honeymoon trip to Tahiti. We would welcome best wishes in the form of activities we can do in paradise. At the bottom of the honeymoon registry, read the important notes about how Annie our Agent is taking gift registry orders.

Asterisks indicate how much we'd like to do that activity; more asterisks mean stronger preferences. But let your tastes be your guide. We'll enjoy any of the following. We'll look forward to reporting on the experience.

As we learn about items that have been purchased, we'll update this page.

Honeymoon Gift Registry

	Price/ person	Number requested	Number Remaining
* Gift certificate	Any amount	Any number	N.A.
Sunset catamaran cruise on Moorea	$96	2	0
* Safari excursion by 4x4	$90	2	0
Polynesian dinner and show at Tiki Village	$105	2	2
** Shark feeding and swim with the dolphins	$95	2	0
* Le Bateau restaurant dinner and dancing to live music	$105	2	2
Private candlelight, champagne dinner on the beach	$185	2	2
* Full-day tour of Bora Bora, including picnic lunch on the beach and swim with sting rays	$195	2	2
Dinner at Bloody Mary’s	$ 125	2	2
** Private sailboat cruise to a secluded Motu including lunch and snorkeling	$132	2	2
Sunset champagne cruise followed by dinner and show at a popular native restaurant.	$195	2	2
Polynesian Spa at Bora Bora Lagoon 25 min. couples massage, or 50 min. couples massage	$90 $175	2 2	2 2
25 min. helicopter ride	$95	2	2
Surfing lesson on Moorea	$105	1	1
Jet ski rental	$130	1 or 2	1
**Parasailing	$125	2	2

Honeymoon Registry Recommendations

Use the form above: We can send you a copy by email, or you can print this page and mark it with the gift you've chosen for us.

Send by fax or email to Annie to earmark the gift. Now, I know not many people use fax any more, but if you're one, fax to Annie DellaPenna at 617-426-0617. Or, email to annie at tourainetravel.com.

Pay by check. Because credit card charges carry a 4 percent transaction fee that reduces the amount of the gift, we recommend you pay by check. There's plenty of lead time and Annie the Agent is happy to earmark a gift as yours and wait for the check to arrive.

Make check payable to: Touraine Travel
Mark memo field: Roberts/Danielson honeymoon

Mail to:
Ms. Annie DellaPenna
Touraine Travel
41 Winter Street
Boston MA 02108

And if you want advice or help, call Annie at 617-426-4418 or toll free 800-967-5583.

Williams Sonoma Registry

Click the title above to go to the registry web site. We found a few items here. Where else did you think we'd find them?


Crate and Barrel

Yes, here. That's where else you'd expect us to have found what we're looking for.

CB2

CB2, which recently opened a New York City store, is Crate's little, cooler, sometimes less expensive little sister. And we're registered there, too.


Bed, Bath, and Beyond Registry

Also, registered here. It's the law.



At Smith + Noble, we would really like two shades for the bedroom. Boy, have we been giving the neighbors a show! I searched the site to find out how to give gift certificates, on one hand, or alternatively, to start a registry. No such luck. You might call the place and see if they have other, better information.

Target Club Wedd

We even found some great things here.



Yes, we even added a registry at Target because our microwave started "arcing," which looks like a lightening storm taking place over our leftovers. There's just the one item: microwave. Nice to have, not need to have.

Planned Parenthood

Two nights ago, I suggested to TWIL that we ask people to give to this organization, too. She was thrilled: "I've been thinking exactly the same thing." We feel the Supreme Court's decision about so-called partial birth abortion has a number of serious flaws embedded in it.

Here's what we're suggesting, and we do mean suggesting. Follow your conscience. Give $10 to Planned Parenthood along with your wedding gift and say you gave it in our names. If everyone does so, we'll raise about $1,000. So that we have some "skin in the game," we'll match every donation at 25 percent. Your $100 is really $125. because we'll kick in the rest. Here's why.

First, there is the matter of protecting citizens. The ruling provides no clause that allows the use of the procedure when the mother's life is in danger. This means the Court ruled that in the rare cases when birth means harm or death to a mother, doctors must work to save the fetus. To my eyes, that is to prefer one American and his or her rights over another. Those are not equal rights.

Second, the court cited medical and scientific uncertainty about the need for the procedure, and asserted that state and federal legislatures "have wide discretion in to pass legislation" in such circumstances, in the words of opinion author Anthony Kennedy. Uncertainty of fact, it appears, frees legislatures to make laws on other grounds. Not facts. But it seems to me that the rule of law must be based on objective facts. Without them, on what will we be governed?

The effect of the ruling is to open a door to state legislation that seeks other ways to limit a woman's right to choose on grounds other than science. For my nieces especially, but for all women, I worry when the highest court starts taking rights away, and gives legislatures the right to take up the effort where the justices left off.

A little help!

How cool is the Internet? As cool as you make it.

If you click on the link Wedding Geography, right, you'll see a Google map with locations of the wedding, reception, rehearsal dinner, and Sunday brunch.

You'll also see hotel locations, including the Hampton Inn, where we blocked discounted rooms (because we couldn't block rooms in any other hotel. I mean really. We'd have done better if we could have.).

If you click here, you'll see the cause of the run on hotel rooms. But at the bottom of the page, you'll see the hotels in which the DCA is housing the band geeks, which should tell you where not to stay unless drum line is the different drummer to which you march.

One way to use the map, if you're Priceline savvy, is to make sure that you're bidding on hotels on the wedding side of town. In general though, when you're West of Albany, you're in the greater Midwest and distance means nothing there. Expect to drive a bit.

Also, a friend had hopes of using hotel program or American Express points at one of the hotels.

If your experience yields good advice for others, please leave a comment below. Click on the Comment link at the bottom of this post and follow the simple instructions (Type your comment, identify yourself, click Publish, and then type the verification letter/number string. Sounds complex, but it's easy.)

Yes, that's TWIL, working her creativity to the bone vis a vis invitations.

Parade of (rejected) wedding dresses 1.7

Lodging Ideas - Act Now!

*** Folks, what follows was corrected today, Monday April 9 ***

You thought Rochester was a sleepy, upstate NY, former film photography industry center. Ha! A sprawling drum corps competition will blare into town on the same weekend as the wedding. So will some hockey league gathering, which makes me concerned that the weather will be very cold indeed.

Book your hotel rooms as soon as possible. I’m sure everything will work out. Just. Fine. It’ll be. Fine. Aieeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hampton Inn & Suites Rochester/Victor: Convenient and comparable to the Holiday Inn (though not as new). 7637 New York State Route 96, Victor, NY 14564. 585-924-4400

We have set aside a block of rooms here at a discounted rate of $132/night. This is a pleasant, up-to-date hotel. If you have difficulties when calling the front desk, ask for Dan Calabrese, the sales coordinator.

Brookwood Inn. 800 Pittsford-Victor Road, Pittsford, NY 14534. 585-248-9000. Convenient location. Clean, comfortable, spacious rooms. Hotel bar. Room availability limited.

The following list of hotels is also convenient to the wedding location, marked on this map by a green arrow. However, we were not able to block discounted rooms.

Woodcliff Lodge: A very good, conveniently-located hotel where L and I stayed one Christmas. Room rates can be higher than the Brookwood and will be higher than the discount rate above. If you are able to make your plans soon, consider calling to see whether any rooms remain. 199 Woodcliff Drive, Fairport, NY 14450. 585-381-4000

Holiday Inn Express: Relatively new, and in my past experience, comfortable; amenities, yes; services, few. According to the hotel they have some rooms available. 2835 Monroe Ave, Rochester, NY. 585-672-2100. Standard rate: $135/niught

Hampton Inn & Suites Rochester/Victor: Convenient and comparable to the Holiday Inn (though not as new). Room availability unknown. 7637 New York State Route 96, Victor, NY 14564. 585-924-4400

Fairfield Inn: We haven’t visited the property, but these are usually clean, simple, and comfortable hotels on a par with Hampton and Holiday Inn Express. 915 Hard Road, Webster, NY 14580. 585-671-1500

Microtel You’ll see the word “motel” hidden in the name of this place. Coincidence? I don’t think so. But it is in fact a small, economical hotel. I haven’t visited this property but a few rooms were available when I called last week. 7498 Main St, Victor, 14564. 585-924-9240. Standard rate: $60/night

The Del Monte Lodge, A Renaissance® Hotel & Spa is where you’ll stay if luxury is a necessity. 41 North Main Street, Pittsford, New York 14534. 585-381-9900

Bed and Breakfasts: Because you’re a B&B person or you’re not. We're not. The following are leads, not recommendations.

Closer to the wedding
1820 Springdale Farm B&B. 242 County Road 9. Victor, NY 14564. 585.924.5952

Liberty House B&B. 131 West Main St, Palmyra NY 14522. 315.597.0011

A little farther from the wedding
Edward Harris House: A pretty B&B in the arts district in Rochester, a neighborhood thatL and I often end up when visiting Rochester. 5 Argyle Street, Rochester, NY 14607. 585-473-9752 or 800-419-1213

The Dartmouth House. 215 Dartmouth Street, Rochester, NY 14607. 585.271.7872 or 800.724.6298

We're having a non-non-traditional wedding

There's the story of the couple who's nostalgia ran to the seashore and fast moving water. Their ceremony involved pouring water into a basin, mingling streams in a new elemental combination. Excuse me while I go to the bathroom. While I'm gone, reflect on this: TWIL and I are not doing that non-traditional thing.

There's the unity candle, which even the Roman Catholics use. Its obvious phallic imagery mocks notions of sexual equality as the husband and wife touch the upright taper and "light it up." Not doing that.

Or consider the couple who deputized their dog to select, during the ceremony, their family name. I've looked everywhere but can't find the source. Family symbols were placed on a table. Those the retriever chose first, that family name would become theirs. Did I mention that the Roberts line is closely associated with T-bone steak? But wait, Timmy's fallen down a well!

We are not unique. And neither are you. The rare individual is genuinely creative. We're clever, maybe. We may have good taste. What we want is to "have fun with it," whatever that tyrannical standard means. "Non-traditional" comes down to the cherished idea of not being bound by tradition when you make your choices. Its an echo of American individuality. But where our intellectual ancestors invented a new politics, most of us just want to substitute Martin Buber for a Bible reading (Aren't they both Jewish?). When we get non-traditional, we look to convention and make choices within it. Submit for your approval: Wedding gowns!

But if we were going to be non-traditional - really non-traditional - we would not get married. We would not send invitations. We would not spend - oh, don't get me started. When I looked up a few weeks ago and realized that we're having a very, very conventional wedding, I was disappointed. She will wear a gown. Her father will walk her down an aisle. No churches will solemnize our union, but the ceremony will look similar to a dozen weddings you've attended.

But all the unseen forces of marriage flow toward the conventional. Law flows that way. Any man my age who claims he's marrying for love and who did not also consider property transfer, tax liability, acute health care conditions and who'll decide to pull his plug is very poor or lying. The free market flows this way. The less you spend, the more conventional your options are. "Having fun with it" is expensive.

Expectations flow this way, too. One of the devilments and delights of a wedding is that it's a touchstone for all weddings. Your guests don't want startling, fascinating meals. They don't want a ceremony they participate in. And the fire eater? Consider the symbolism before you place your deposit. The people who love you, the ones who are going to support you as a married couple, they don't want innovation. They want want to have the kind of good time they've had at other weddings. And they will compare yours to theirs.

Our wedding? It's shaping up as a very traditional wedding, circa 1970s. We've made our choices, but we're stepping into the conventions that all married people inhabit. For many years the institution - marriage - towered with a heavy load of requirements. But with TWIL, neither convention, nor expectations, nor others' assumptions laid so heavily on the "ever-after, until death." Thousands of years of marrying tradition has come to feel as light as a tee shirt.

Dear Dick, a new feature

Two friends are getting married not long after TWIL and I. The groom-to-be and I don't get to talk often. He lives on the other side of the Charles River, and as Bostonians know, you're on one side or the other. It could be trolls or fear of Rte. 128, but traveling Over There doesn't happen often.

Dick - not his real name - has not asked me for advice. His loss. Or is it? In a periodic feature of ...Bliss, I'll tell Dick what he can expect. Not the concrete and incredible - yes, you pay for creamers and sugar bowls separately when you hire a caterer - but the shifting hopes and anxieties of the groom-to-be. Dick may not need my advice. But if he were me, he would.

Dear Dick,

The same way biology played an important role in noticing and choosing Kelly - not her real name - it will surprise you for the balance of your engagement.

An example. "Fuck you" becomes a term of endearment. Something deep inside you has begun to recognize that all the measurement scales have been reset. You'll be together forever. A long time. You no longer feel it's important to exercise caution in romantic communication. Go ahead and say it. "Tomorrow" has become a kind of renewable resource. Sure, you'll run out eventually. But it seems so far away that you can leave that problem to your grandchildren. It is a testimony to the "intelligence" of evolution that biology intervenes here. Because "Fuck You" in line at the game will lead to a ride in an ambulance. But at home, with the woman you love, that line has in fact become a term of endearment. There are two common adaptive responses.

One. "Fuck you too," she says, with a smile. The smile that means, "I know you're not mad. And why worry? There's always tomorrow."

Two. The wink. The sly exit from the room. These are signals that mean she's taken you literally. And you remember just one of the reasons you loved this woman in the first place.

From that point on, you don't need my advice. Trust the biology.

As you were,
John