Wishes for the Ceremony

When you get the most important people in your life together, the place is full of good wishes.

We are making that idea tangible in our ceremony, but we want to ask you to participate, too, if you’d like. At the wedding, we’re going to stand before a backdrop made up of small flags strung between trees. We’d like to have your wishes written on them.

Some of you have already written one or two of these.

We borrowed the idea from the Buddhist tradition of printing prayers on flags. When the wind stirs, according to the Buddhists, the wind prays the prayers. At our wedding, your wishes will wash over us as the breeze passes our flags.

We’ll also ask some of you to invoke those wishes for us during the ceremony. They’re emblematic of the way you - the community of people that loves us - uphold us with hope and friendship.

For those of you who grew up in Episcopal churches, you may also recognize a similarity between the wishes of the community and the multiple blessings pronounced as the penultimate step of holy day liturgies. This moment always stirred me. It culminates the ceremony and points the way to tomorrow. It calls on God to act, and on worshipers to appropriate the mystery they've participated in. And because the words are crafted to rise like a musical crescendo, the moment of stillness after the last blessing rings with hopefulness. That's why I wanted to emulate that moment in our ceremony.

If you choose to write a wish for our wedding backdrop...

You can email us your wishes and we’ll transcribe them.

Or,

If you’re attending the rehearsal dinner, we will have paper and pens there for you to write your wish.

Or,

If you arrive early at the ceremony, you will have an opportunity to write a wish for us there. Of course, we’ll need a little time to hang them up. (Latecomers' wishes may not all be hung on the backdrop. This is purely a practical matter, you understand, given the limits of time and space.)

We want to give everyone the opportunity to write a wish, but this is request and an offer, not requirement. We just don’t want you to be left out.

We're having a non-non-traditional wedding

There's the story of the couple who's nostalgia ran to the seashore and fast moving water. Their ceremony involved pouring water into a basin, mingling streams in a new elemental combination. Excuse me while I go to the bathroom. While I'm gone, reflect on this: TWIL and I are not doing that non-traditional thing.

There's the unity candle, which even the Roman Catholics use. Its obvious phallic imagery mocks notions of sexual equality as the husband and wife touch the upright taper and "light it up." Not doing that.

Or consider the couple who deputized their dog to select, during the ceremony, their family name. I've looked everywhere but can't find the source. Family symbols were placed on a table. Those the retriever chose first, that family name would become theirs. Did I mention that the Roberts line is closely associated with T-bone steak? But wait, Timmy's fallen down a well!

We are not unique. And neither are you. The rare individual is genuinely creative. We're clever, maybe. We may have good taste. What we want is to "have fun with it," whatever that tyrannical standard means. "Non-traditional" comes down to the cherished idea of not being bound by tradition when you make your choices. Its an echo of American individuality. But where our intellectual ancestors invented a new politics, most of us just want to substitute Martin Buber for a Bible reading (Aren't they both Jewish?). When we get non-traditional, we look to convention and make choices within it. Submit for your approval: Wedding gowns!

But if we were going to be non-traditional - really non-traditional - we would not get married. We would not send invitations. We would not spend - oh, don't get me started. When I looked up a few weeks ago and realized that we're having a very, very conventional wedding, I was disappointed. She will wear a gown. Her father will walk her down an aisle. No churches will solemnize our union, but the ceremony will look similar to a dozen weddings you've attended.

But all the unseen forces of marriage flow toward the conventional. Law flows that way. Any man my age who claims he's marrying for love and who did not also consider property transfer, tax liability, acute health care conditions and who'll decide to pull his plug is very poor or lying. The free market flows this way. The less you spend, the more conventional your options are. "Having fun with it" is expensive.

Expectations flow this way, too. One of the devilments and delights of a wedding is that it's a touchstone for all weddings. Your guests don't want startling, fascinating meals. They don't want a ceremony they participate in. And the fire eater? Consider the symbolism before you place your deposit. The people who love you, the ones who are going to support you as a married couple, they don't want innovation. They want want to have the kind of good time they've had at other weddings. And they will compare yours to theirs.

Our wedding? It's shaping up as a very traditional wedding, circa 1970s. We've made our choices, but we're stepping into the conventions that all married people inhabit. For many years the institution - marriage - towered with a heavy load of requirements. But with TWIL, neither convention, nor expectations, nor others' assumptions laid so heavily on the "ever-after, until death." Thousands of years of marrying tradition has come to feel as light as a tee shirt.